My mum told me that with your first baby you are always trying to get to that next stage whether it be encouraging baby to smile, stick out their tongue, laugh, or drink from a cup – We all want our babies to develop well and reach their milestones. Now at 6 months I try to encourage Thomas to sit up as much as possible, I think he’s almost there now wont be long until he can see the world from a whole new prespective – Sitting on the floor, what fun and mishief he will be getting into then Anyway getting back to what my mum said about us always pushing for the next stage with our first, its funny she said because when your on your 2nd or even 3rd you kind of do the opposite, I don’t for one second mean hinder their progression, but sometimes mums like the peace of their baby not being able to crawl yet as big brother/sister is being enough of a pain running around getting upto allsorts. I cant comment on this point at the moment, although thinking about it Im sure in the future I will look back at this time with Thomas and compare myself to how I am with the new baby. I think your more relaxed with your second, you know what to expect and realise that baby is just fine dont push things too much.

It was around 6 weeks when Thomas gave us a heart melting beaming smile, I was in the lounge at home with him in my arms after his feed. Nathan works from home, he came down the stairs as he spends most of his day in the office upstairs  opened the lounge door and Thomas gave him a big smile. Dads get all the fun times I though as Nathan melted with the loving smile from his son. He gave Thomas the best cuddle ever, and thanked him for making his day so special.

Since then Thomas has been full of smiles, especially for tummy tickles and acting silly – Some of the things I do for a smile are really silly, but I dont care, smiles and laughing chuckles are just the best.

Throughout my pregnancy I was set on the idea that I would breastfeed my baby when he was born. I read in depth about the benefits of breastfeeding, and even went to a breastfeeding workshop designed to help pregnant women understand the basics of breastfeeding – How to stimulate the breast to start the production of milk, how to help your baby latch onto the breast, breastfeeding techniques, sore nipple remedies the lot. I really wanted to give my baby the best possible start in life and was prepared to continue not to drink alcohol and avoid certain foods in order to do this. I took the Pregnacare vitamins throughout my pregnancy, I bought the breastfeeding Pregnacare vitamins ready to take when the baby was born.

As you may have read in  The Road To Parenthood Part 3 I gave birth to my son Thomas via C-Section due to a breach positioning. In the recovery room I had chance to establish the skin to skin contact with my baby, skin to skin contact soon after birth facilitates bonding between mum and baby. Skin to skin also allows baby to share and become accustomed to the same bacteria as mum helping to build their immune system, as well as maintain their temperature. While I was sharing our skin to skin moment I decided to attempt my first breastfeed. I must admit it was difficult at that time as I still couldn’t feel my legs from the epidural I had for the section, I also had a blood pressure sleeve on my arm that inflated every 5 minutes which was a little annoying. Nevertheless I was determined to give it a go, Nathan helped to position Thomas to the breast, I remember Thomas had his mouth open and was moving his head searching for food! He seemed to start sucking but then stopped…And start again…Then stop. Nathan asked a midwife to come in and help, she managed to position Thomas on me at a better angle, and he seemed to enjoy my colostrum or first milk.

I remember thinking – Great Ive cracked it! but things were to get a lot worse….I was moved up to the ward where I spent the next 2 days before being discharged with Thomas. At every possible opportunity I tried to breastfeed, I don’t know what I was doing wrong but Thomas just didn’t seem to get any milk, he would latch on, suck a few times then cry. The midwives must have tried around 20 times to get him to feed, but we kept having the same problem, it got to the point where he would be awake all night crying in the hospital, I would be up comforting him in my arms, trying to feed, walking round with him, he just wouldn’t sleep. In the end I was so worried that he was that hungry and unsettled that I tried him with a small amount of a ready made carton of Cow & Gate milk. He loved it, he couldn’t suck the bottle quick enough! I know the midwives in my antenatal classes said that babies are born already with a packed lunch, there bellies are able to be sustained until your milk comes in they will not starve. But Thomas seemed to be really hungry, he was a big baby weighing 10 lb 1 oz perhaps his packed lunch wasn’t big enough im not sure, but what I did know was that my baby was hungry and I should feed him.

I hadn’t given up on the idea of breastfeeding, I continued to try Thomas on the breast before every feed to see if he would take some breast milk then top him up with formula, this seemed to be ok, but he quickly became impatient becoming fed up with the breast, wanting his fill on the bottle. I felt like a failure, like a bad mum, I couldn’t even feed my own baby! The guilt that raged inside me grew every feed.

I continued to put Thomas to the breast for every feed for around a week, I knew he got some of my breast milk as I seemed to produce more. But we continued to have the problem with latching on and sore nipples, again he would suck for a short period of time and then become frustrated and cry. The time of year didn’t help either, by then it was Christmas day, all the breastfeeding support workshops were closed for the holidays, and the midwives were on emergencies only as the snow prevented them from venturing too far out. Due to this I made the agonising decided to stop trying the breast and just continue to use the bottle. I felt really guilty, I kept looking to Nathan for agreement in my decision, although at the time I felt he wasn’t happy with my decision which made me feel even worse. Family members also seemed to constantly ask me how I was feeding, and added their opinions, I now know they were only trying to help – But at the time, it seemed to make things worse as I had to keep justifying my reasoning for what I felt to be a failing mum. Looking back now my emotions were all over the place, I could have done with more professional support, but it was Christmas. Perhaps I should have gave it longer then a week? We live and learn.

I know that we have done our very best by Thomas, I still feel a little gutted about not being able to breastfeed; especially when I see a baby being breastfed. Although, my experiences with Thomas has not stopped me from wanting to try again. When we have our next baby I intend to breastfeed, I feel that the next time round I will be wiser, and more relaxed…Oh and I don’t plan to have another December birth either so I will have access to lots of support which I intend to use.

I just want to write a short note to all those mums out there who may have similar problems as me with breastfeeding – Try to relax with it, You are a fantastic mum. If its just not for you as I found with Thomas don’t torture yourself mentally, do the best thing by your baby. While I was in hospital there was a lady down the corridor who was having problems breastfeeding for a number of days, she refused point blank to give her baby formula even though the baby constantly cried for food and the Midwives tried to get her to use the bottle – I understand the lady had her own reasons for refusing formula although personally in my circumstance I did the best thing for my baby.